There was a time in my life when I thought the only man I could ever love was Leonardo DiCaprio. I was seven when Titanic came out and Growing Pains reran rampant on the Disney Channel. He was my first celebrity crush, save for a vague impression made by Han Solo and Indiana Jones. I mean, his name is Leo, I AM a Leo? You can’t tell a 7-year-old that doesn’t make us soul mates! And so it was, until after a year or two… I just stopped. I stopped caring about what Leo was up to. Maybe because he wasn’t up to much, I think he took a hiatus around that time. Or maybe because as a super mature 9-year-old, I finally realized I didn’t know anything about the guy except that he had beautiful skin, hair, and an awesome jawline. I mean he didn’t even play the guitar, and that kind of shit was starting to matter to me! Almost every other celebrity crush I have had since then has lasted longer and made more of an impression on my life today than that first one with Leonardo DiCaprio. I can’t have seen more than 20% of his total film career to this day. And yet he was the first, and our one-sided love was real. This simple fact, as much as anything, is why I am going to do what I’m about to tell you I’m going to do:
I’m going to watch every Leonardo DiCaprio movie in chronological order and review/ruminate/reminisce/romanticise/really just write whatever I am moved to, about it. That’s the plan. Get on board.
I will do this over the course of the year, watching and writing about approximately two movies a month. It should work out that I can do Titanic during its 3D re-release in April, and finish with the premiere of The Great Gatsby in December. After I figured that much out I really didn’t see the need to further question the concept. I’m pretty sure it’s not only genius, but meant to be.
Maybe in the end I will find I haven’t given him enough credit for his impact on my general psyche? Perhaps I will answer some of the pressing questions his existence has raised over the years: IS he a good actor? HAS he gotten less attractive? DOES/DID he look like a girl and IS there any significance to that?
Or maybe I will just have watched a bunch of movies. I see no downside.
Just ask the drunk man I met on the street New Year’s Eve who was carrying an empty wineglass and thought that because my friends and I wished him a Happy New Year we probably wanted to refill his glass and talk about life for over 5 minutes— My New Year’s resolution is to write more. That is why I outed my secret Tumblr, in the hopes that having any small audience would force me to rally and make good on this resolution. I didn’t even make one about food, or fitness, or room-cleaning this year. All my 2012 resolve must serve this single cause, and anything else I accomplish will fall in the category of… what do you call that? When you just make good decisions without telling yourself at mental gunpoint that YOU WILL JUICE FAST, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU TOLD A DRUNK STRANGER YOU WOULD!!!
Well guys, I may not be on a juice fast, but at least I’m— wait, no, I’m not writing more either. I’ve eaten a lot of apples and been on the treadmill once though.
Yesterday’s Internet blackout/Seattle snow day gave me plenty of time for quiet, real-life reflection about the Internet. When I met that drunk man on the street, he suggested I join one of those sites with a goal to write a certain amount of words in a timeframe so I would have some structure to my resolution. I told him I didn’t like that idea. I like my vague resolution because it holds me accountable to figure out what “writing more” feels like. Plus the site had a stupid name.
But I have to acknowledge he was right about one thing, it would help me to have a cause or goal in writing that lasts the year. And one that could live on the internet, not, you know, working on my novel (I’m not working on a novel).
So yesterday I was pondering what I should write about when I remembered an idea I had in August for an ****EXCITING**** new internet venture. Then I did some MATH and some SCHEDULING and I discovered there would be literally NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT to start. Here is a hint, it doesn’t have nothing to do with this picture:
STAY TUNED FOR DETAILS, THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING.
Self Portraits of Fake Laughter
11 Things Claire Liked in 2011
As a member of a band, I am often asked or just generally expected to participate in the ritual of making end-of-the-year “Top 10” album lists. This is a problem for me because as ashamed as I am to admit it: I usually haven’t listened to and thoroughly enjoyed enough full albums from that year to make anything resembling a top 10 list. For example I would probably claim one of my favorite albums this year was Teenage Dream, which actually came out last year, and I haven’t actually listened to the whole thing… So I have decided to make a more general top 11 (because it’s just one more thing and it matches the year. WHY NOT?) things list instead. These are things that I loved, or that happened and were important, or that for some reason I just couldn’t get out of my brain in 2011. Because secretly I love making lists.
So, in no particular order, here we go…
There are so many people on facebook I have to be friends with just because they aren’t terrible people. But then about once a year I look back at my list of friends and think WHYYY do I have to be friends with all you people? But these days when I begin even a hypothetical purge I become instantly stressed out from the power of deciding WHAT IS A FRIEND? And will they notice how rude I am for deciding it isn’t them? But seriously people, I have unsubscribed to your news feed and when I saw you on Queen Anne a few months ago I looked at my feet. All of you! Eugene Mirman has that joke about how he wishes it was socially acceptable to just look at someone and say “I KNOW YOU!” and keep walking. So true.
Sometimes they do funny things on the internet though… and then I’m kind of glad we’re still “friends.” But that feeling quickly turns to infuriation that I am neither good enough friend, nor mean enough “friend” to leave the comment I want to on their ridiculous status. So instead I screencap it, photoshop it, forget about it for over a year, and put it on tumblr.
Parents are crazy, because they lived for so many years before you came along and started cutting the strings off all the christmas ornaments. This morning my Dad told me about the time he “almost joined The Banana Splits,” which we concluded might be a bit of an exaggeration, but was still interesting.
My dad used to be a pretty good accordionist. Well, I guess he still is but he doesn’t practice enough. His first job was playing in an Italian restaurant when he was 14. One summer he auditioned for a job playing accordion in the band at Six Flags. He didn’t get it because they actually made their usual accordion player audition every year and he would always get his job back because… well I assume he was better at playing the accordion. But of ALL the hundreds, or perhaps up to 6 other auditions, it was MY DAD who got was propositioned with an alternative job that would also require him to play accordion. That’s right, there were TWO jobs at Six Flags with accordion playing skills as a prerequisite that summer. So he inquired further and they told him they were putting together a new group of characters and he could be the one that played the accordion… but he would have to wear a bear suit. Upon further consideration he decided he did not want to spend his summer in a bear suit in Georgia. How hot do you think it would get in a bear suit in Georgia in August? What would that smell like? Plus you have to play the accordion. I can’t even think about that, please don’t make me. The point is, we can all appreciate that decision.
Anyway, that new group of characters ended up being adapted into a show produced by Hanna-Barbera called The Banana Splits. And even though he wouldn’t have had anything to do with the TV show (because for one thing his character didn’t even make it into the show), he still could have told people about that one summer when he was in The Banana Splits… but he would probably just tell you how awful it was to be playing accordion in a bear suit in the middle of summer in Georgia.
